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  More Critical Praise for Arthur Nersesian

  For dogrun

  “Nersesian’s writing is beautiful, especially when it is about women and love.”

  —Jennifer Belle, author of High Maintenance

  “A rich parody of the all-girl punk band.”

  —New York Times Book Review

  “Nersesian’s blackly comic urban coming-of-angst tale offers a laugh in every paragraph.”

  —Glamour

  “Darkly comic … It’s Nersesian’s love affair with lower Manhattan that sets these pages afire.”

  —Entertainment Weekly

  For Chinese Takeout

  “Not since Henry Miller has a writer so successfully captured the trials and tribulations of a struggling artist … A masterly image.”

  —Library Journal (starred review)

  “One of the best books I’ve read about the artist’s life. Nersesian captures the obsession one needs to keep going under tough odds … trying to stay true to himself, and his struggle against the odds makes for a compelling read.”

  —Village Voice

  “Nersesian weaves a heartfelt, tragicomic bohemian romance with echoes of the myth of Orpheus and Eurydice … Infused with the symbolism of Greek legend, the hip squalor of this milieu takes on a mythic charge that energizes Nersesian’s lyrical celebration of an evanescent moment in the life of the city.”

  —Publishers Weekly

  “Capturing in words the energy, dynamism, and exhaustion of creating visual art is a definite achievement. Setting the act of creation amidst Lower East Side filth, degradation, and hope, and making that environment a palpable, organic character in a novel confirms Nersesian’s literary artistry. His edgy exploration of the love of art and of life, and of the creative act and the sweat and toil inherent to it, is hard to put down.”

  —Booklist

  For Unlubricated

  “Reading Unlubricated can make you feel like a commuter catapulting herself down the stairs to squeeze onto the A train before the doors close … In his paean to the perplexities of dislocation and discovery—both in bohemian life and in life at large—Nersesian makes us eager to see what happens when the curtain finally rises.”

  —New York Times Book Review

  “Nersesian’s raw, smutty sensibility is perfect for capturing the gritty city artistic life, but this novel has as much substance as style … Nersesian continuously ratchets up the suspense, always keeping the fate of the production uncertain—and at the last minute he throws a curveball that makes the previous chaos calm by comparison. Nersesian is a first-rate observer of his native New York …”

  —Publishers Weekly

  “Nersesian knows his territory intimately and paces the escalating chaos with a precision that would do Wodehouse proud.”

  —Time Out New York

  For Suicide Casanova

  “Sleek, funny, and sometimes sickening … a porn nostalgia novel, if you will, a weepy nod to the sleaze pond that Times Square once was.”

  —Memphis Flyer

  “Sick, depraved, and heartbreaking—in other words, a great read, a great book. Suicide Casanova is erotic noir and Nersesian’s hard-boiled prose comes at you like a jailhouse confession.”

  —Jonathan Ames, author of The Alcoholic

  “Nersesian has written a scathingly original page-turner, hilarious, tragic, and shocking—this may be his most brilliant novel yet.”

  —Kate Christensen, author of Trouble

  “… tight, gripping, erotic thriller …”

  —Philadelphia City Paper

  “A vivid, compelling psycho-thriller … Nersesian’s unique psychological vision of the city rates with those of Paul Auster and Madison Smartt Bell.”

  —Blake Nelson, author of Girl and User

  “Every budding author should read this book. Stop your creative writing class on the technique of Hemingway and study the elegant gritty prose of Nersesian. Stop your literary theory class on Faulkner and read the next generation of literary genius.”

  —Cherry Bleeds

  “This is no traditional Romeo & Juliet love story. It is like no love story I’ve ever read, which is why it reads fast, deep, and intense … A great story by a talented writer.”

  —New Mystery Reviews

  For Manhattan Loverboy

  “Best Book for the Beach, Summer 2000.”

  —Jane Magazine

  “Best Indie Novel of 2000.”

  —Montreal Mirror

  “Part Lewis Carroll, part Franz Kafka, Nersesian leads us down a maze of false leads and dead ends … told with wit and compassion, drawing the reader into a world of paranoia and coincidence while illuminating questions of free will and destiny. Highly recommended.”

  —Library Journal

  “A tawdry and fantastic tale … Nersesian renders Gotham’s unique cocktail of wealth, poverty, crime, glamour, and brutality spectacularly.”

  —Rain Taxi Review of Books

  “MLB sits somewhere between Kafka, DeLillo, and Lovecraft—a terribly frightening, funny, and all too possible place.”

  —Literary Review of Canada

  For The Fuck-Up

  “For those who remember that the ’80s were as much about destitute grit as they were about the decadent glitz described in the novels of Bret Easton Ellis and Jay McInerney, this book will come as a fast-paced reminder.”

  —Time Out New York

  “The Fuck-Up is Trainspotting without drugs, New York style.”

  —Hal Sirowitz, author of Mother Said

  “Touted as the bottled essence of early-’80s East Village living, The Fuck-Up is, refreshingly, nothing nearly so limited … A cult favorite since its first, obscure printing in 1991, I’d say it’s ready to become a legitimate religion.”

  —Smug Magazine

  “Not since The Catcher in the Rye, or John Knowles’s A Separate Peace, have I read such a beautifully written book … Nersesian’s powerful, sure-footed narrative alone is so believably human in its poignancy … I couldn’t put this book down.”

  —Grid Magazine

  This is a work of fiction. All names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to real events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  Published by Akashic Books

  ©2010 by Arthur Nersesian

  ePUB ISBN-13: 978-1-936-07084-8

  ISBN-13: 978-1-936070-08-4

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2009939081

  Akashic Books

  PO Box 1456

  New York, NY 10009

  [email protected]

  www.akashicbooks.com

  Contents

  TITLE PAGE

  COPYRIGHT PAGE

  CHAPTER ONE

  CHAPTER TWO

  CHAPTER THREE

  CHAPTER FOUR

  CHAPTER FIVE

  CHAPTER SIX

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  CHAPTER NINE

  CHAPTER TEN

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  CHAPTER THIRTEN

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  CHAPTER FIFTEN

  CHAPTER SIXTEN

  CHAPTER SEVENTEN

  CHAPTER EIGHTEN

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  to my uncles

  Richard A. Burke

  Patrick G. Burke

  Thomas P. Burke

  Michael F. Burke

  Stephen U. Burke

  CHAPTER ONE

  … those were all the suicides that I could remember, all sad males (as I envisioned in tabloid headlines—an o
ccupational hazard of working in this business). Women tend to be more passive in their self-annihilation. Accidental overdoses gradually slowing down their broken little hearts. Repeatedly peeking into ovens, à la Sylvia Plath, where the gas delicately overwhelms the oxygen and their last thoughts are regretting not using a better oven cleaner. Stressful jobs, loveless marriages, bad food—most people kill themselves slowly every day.

  When I got fired from my marriage and divorced from my job, I found myself getting drunk and passing out too early. Then I’d wake up around two in the morning with only the unbearable emptiness of my miserable failure to keep me company. That was when I started with the sleeping pills.

  None of this had anything to do with the seemingly happy, successful life of one Thucydides Scrubbs. His comely young wife Missy was probably too dumb to kill herself. At thirty-eight years old the African American tax attorney probably slept as soundly as the dead. At least he slept well until that fateful day in July 2005 when he returned to his posh two-million-dollar estate outside of Memphis, Tennessee, to find his allegedly pregnant, white teenage bride, Missy Scrubbs, missing. Four days after her disappearance, her mother notified the police. When they asked Thucydides why he didn’t call them, he replied that he simply thought she was visiting some friends upstate. Apparently she was from some podunk town between Memphis and Nashville, and this was where I started paying attention as I was raised in that very same area.

  When the police examined Thucydides’s bank records, they discovered that a million dollars had been withdrawn from his account a few days before she vanished. He had no explanation and was an automatic suspect.

  When they learned from the neighbors that Thucydides and his wife had been fighting on a regular basis, the police considered he might have used that money to hire a hit man. But a murder didn’t cost nearly that much. Some hypothesized that it might be a kidnapping. If that was the case, then Thucydides had probably been warned that if he involved the police, little Missy would be executed.

  They interrogated Scrubbs at length. First alone, then with his nerdy counsel. When a local reporter broke the story that Scrubbs had been cheating on Missy with an even hotter, dumber blonde who worked on Beale Street, the gossip hit a fever pitch.

  The titillating detail that tipped the story into the circus tent of tabloid land was something Missy’s middle-trash mother had done ten years earlier. She had entered little Missy into every children’s beauty pageant from Texarkana, Texas, to Biloxi, Mississippi. As fate would have it, she looked uncannily like Jon-Benét Ramsey. That, along with the fact that Scrubbs looked vaguely like a short, stocky O.J. Simpson, didn’t help. Aspects of these two highly publicized cases with poorly resolved endings were natural fodder for the always hungry ’bloids.

  Within a matter of weeks, as the case cauliflowered into this year’s most sensational crime investigation, a quiet suburb in Memphis became the newest journalistic Mecca. People weren’t sure whether this was a case of a runaway bride, or another Laci Peterson story, or, best of all, an old-fashioned kidnapping. It all came down to one question: where the hell was Missy Scrubbs?

  Ninety-nine percent of my supermarket stories dealt with high-profile hookups of Tomkat, Bennifer (as in J-Lo), Bennifer II (as in Garner), and Brangelina—moronic celebrity romances. Eventually they all turned into marri-vorces. Last year I had reason to suspect my husband was cheating on me, but I pretended not to know. Soon he would only show up for a change of clothes. I tried to get out of the house on tabloid assignments, but before long I had taken to drinking on the job and was given a pink slip. Since my husband actually owned our classic eight apartment at the Ansonia—and I didn’t want a divorce lawyer telling me to move—I took the initiative, locating a barely affordable studio in Hell’s Kitchen. And there I slept; spring turned into summer … By early August I was deep in debt, and unless I wanted to continue my hibernation in some ATM bank card cave, I had to get out of bed.

  One day shortly after the move, when my answering machine clicked on, I groggily heard the faint voice of A. Paul O’Hurly, my soon-to-be-ex-husband, asking how I was. I ignored it. Some time later, I was awoken by another click of some reporter I knew in Washington quickly saying that she wished she could help with my pet project, an article about the Homeland Security reorganization. She said if I wanted to write it for some distant blog she knew … blah … blah … blah … I was holding out for print. I retreated deeper into the black sludge of sleep. It took a third louder, longer phone message to batter through the three tablets of Ambien and two Valium I had taken ten hours earlier.

  “Miss Bloomgarten, this is Jericho Riggs, editor of the Rocket. You were recommended by Mr. Benoit to cover the Thucydides Scrubbs saga. He said you know the area and the reporter who I hired has turned up AWOL.”

  I snatched up the phone to learn that some naïve young editor was accidentally giving me a small break. The National Enquirer, the Star, Weekly World News—after burning my bridges at each of those fine institutions, I thought I was done with tabloid news (or vice versa). Now, thanks to my old friend Gustavo Benoit, I was being offered a freelance gig with a kill fee.

  For me this job could potentially kill three annoying birds with one small stone: Aside from its therapeutic effects on my slowly smothering depression, the job could also earn me some desperately needed cash. More importantly, though, it would put me near to my deservedly neglected mama from Mesopotamia, Tennessee. I was going to drive from one land between the rivers to another in hope of borrowing yet more money.

  I cleared my throat so that Jerry Riggs wouldn’t sense I was severely hungover and had been sleeping for ten hours, and said, “Great.”

  “They just indicted Scrubbs, so I need you to go down there and dredge up anything related to the case.” He wanted a small but steady news feed so he could put large colorful photos over them and sensational headlines above that. Riggs said that Gustavo was already down there if I needed help, and that he was expecting my first clump of words by tomorrow. Click.

  I was once a real reporter. Even though I was no longer on any masthead—perhaps out of habit—I was still pushing and checking in on stories that I felt needed to be out there.

  Last December, Gustavo Benoit invited me to a Washington “insider Christmas party” where I quickly got waylaid by some old bore named Silas who confused my ear with a spittoon. As he jabbered on and on, I searched for an escape route, but even Gustavo, who had brought me there, had vanished.

  Though Silas’s speech was slurred and too filled with facts and figures to be very engrossing, I slowly realized that the man was actually sitting on an important story. He had been prematurely retired from FEMA where he had worked for years as a meteorologist. The Federal Emergency Management Agency had just been absorbed into the growing swamp of the “Homeless Insecurity Department.”

  “Problem is, it’s not nearly as effective now, and this is a really bad time to be ineffective,” Silas explained.

  “How exactly is it ineffective?”

  He casually described how the agency had been scaled down. Time-tested protocols had been scrapped, making responsibility far fuzzier and the chain of command very murky. More specifically, budget, staff, everything had been dramatically reduced.

  “And it’s a really bad time to do this because we’re heading into severe hurricane activity, not to mention the fact that this is a very different world.”

  “Different how?”

  “Biologically,” Silas said. “There’s a recent theory that this global warming wave is incubating countless dormant bacteria and viruses, allowing them to jump from various animals to human hosts. And I’m not just talking about some bird flu.”

  On and on he went, detailing how we currently had a perfect mating of mediocre politics with an abusive mother nature.

  CHAPTER TWO

  When I finally woke up from my Hell’s Kitchen hell five hours later, I realized that I was supposed to be in Memphis, Tennessee, this very sa
me day.

  Too achy to reach the top shelf of my undusted closet for my tasteful toting luggage, I tossed the same unlaundered pile of clothes from my last assignment—a celebrity wedding stakeout six months ago—into two shopping bags. I stumbled downstairs and headed west to my river-adjacent car garage. It was only after my car rolled out of the Holland Tunnel like a tired torpedo that I began to feel myself emerging from my stupor.

  I had been raised in a small town an hour and half northeast of Memphis and ran away at a young age. Though I eventually reconciled with Rodmilla, the annoying woman who had adopted me from a Korean orphanage, I managed to keep her at arm’s length. I had paid her final installments on a mortgage she had taken out to help raise her biological family, but she and my debts were both moving up in years. She and her husband owned a huge house next to a defunct old mill situated behind one of the two narrow rivers that defined the town (Mesopotamia literally means land between the rivers). Soon after I had been adopted, she gave birth to two healthy twin girls. Shortly afterward her husband dropped dead, but she was one of those “crisis in Chinese means opportunity” types. Instead of moving back in with her parents, she mortgaged the house and converted the empty mill into a general store—the Ziggurat. (Since the locals were unaware that she was making a play on the original Mesopotamia, everyone soon called it ZigRat’s.) She hired the local Boo Radley guy, a Vietnam vet named Pete, to run the place and within three months was making a little dough.

  The store’s steady success allowed her to start a local freebie newspaper, the Mesopotamian Cuneiform, which my two sisters and I wrote for when we were growing up. That little twelve-page rag got me infected with the journalistic bug while I was still in my teens. I learned more about writing, editing, and general production during those postpubescent days than in all of journalism school.

  Unfortunately, the last time I had spoken to Rodmilla, a few months ago, it sounded like she was losing it. The sharp old coot that used to criticize my every move had grown noticeably dull. Only with the help of Pete was she still able to keep the store going.